


Tumblr

by TransAlex23



Category: Phan, dan and phil
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Badly Written Smut, Chatting & Messaging, Cute, Cute Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Daddy Kink, Dan Howell - Freeform, Dan Howell Is Not A Youtuber, Eventual Smut, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay, M/M, Minor Violence, Panic Attack, Pastel Dan and Punk Phil, Phil Lester - Freeform, SO GAY, Smoking, Smut, Starbucks, Stuttering, Tattoos, Tumblr, Violence, anxiety attack, paste!Dan, punk!phil, stutter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2018-12-13 23:53:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 15,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11771085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TransAlex23/pseuds/TransAlex23
Summary: Just a fluffy and kinda angsty text fic about Pastel!Dan and Punk!Phil texting and meeting over tumblr ^-^





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hai guys! Okay fair warning, this is going to suck. Like i'm not just saying that, like I genuinely don't think this is going to be really good. I did have this story on my wattpad, but I'm rewriting it on here now. This is pretty much just going to be a text-like fic and evolve into less text-like stuff if that makes any sense, and the chapters aren't going ot be very long but I'll try to upload more because of that heh. So yeah, anywho, thanks for ready and I hope you enjoy! ^-^

**Dans POV~**

 

_Dragon has sent you a message_

 

Dragon- Hey

PastelHowell- hi..?

Dragon- I was just looking at your blog, and I think it's really cool and you're really cute.

I blushed and went to his profile, greeted with many pictures of records for old rock bands, aesthetic Starbucks coffees, and tattoos upon tattoos. 

PastelHowell- Really? I wouldn't think my blog was your type...

Dragon- Hah, I'm guessing you've looked at mine. Well hey, you shouldn't stereotype 

PastelHowell- Fair enough

Dragon- So, what's up?

PastelHowell- Messaging you

Dragon- Haha, you're funny

Dragon- That was sarcasm

Dragon- I'm thoroughly disappointed in you for that

PastelHowell- Wow first conversation and he already wants to leave- that's not the first

Dragon- Heeey don't say that

Dragon- You're sweet

I shook my head before hearing harsh footsteps come up my stairs. I didn't waste a second before typing another message and shutting my laptop, hiding it under my pillow before my door was thrown open. 

PastelHowell- Hye have to go, tect yo later

Dragon- Oh, okay.. ttyl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun dun duuun hia! That was by far my oddest intro yet but we're just gonna go with it. Soo, as always, most important question- How on earth are you? Gosh it's been so long, I really have missed you. I feel bad when i take so long, but I'm trying to get better at this. Anywho- what's happened since I've been gone? Have you started school again yet? If you have- I am so sorry. I start in a week and a half, and I'm gonna be a sophomore. What year of school are you in? Or have you graduated? If so- do you go to college/university, or do you have a job? Tell me everything, I absolutely love hearing about you guys.  
> Okay, so about me being like dead for a month or whatever- 1) I have like nothing to post (that's a lie- I have something I need to post on my series but I have to freaking finish it first...oops) 2) I was getting ready for and then at band camp, which took forever- and ohmygod if you'v never been to band camp boy oh boy it's hell. If you want to know like specifics you can message me if you're real curious, but overall it was pretty cool and tiring as hell. But I did talk to some new people and talk more to people I didn't talk with so much before. I layed on someones ass and saw a lot of shirtless people but shhh- what happens at band camp stays at band camp ^-^
> 
> No but I do actually have advice from band camp- so now it's happy band camp fun advice time.
> 
> 1) Just talk to people. Just do it (insert meme here) People are completely okay if you just say "hey nice trumpet" and you've never said a word to them before. If you hear someone say something funny, it's okay to laugh too. If you like someones shirt, just tell them- they'll really appreciate it. I spoke to freshmen this year (a little bit) because I knew they were probably a bit overwhelmed and wondering like "god what is all this" because that's what I did when I was a freshman, and I think they liked when me and other upperclassmen talked to them. 
> 
> 2) Don't procrastinate, and just practice. Whether it's for a test or you need to do homework or work on a song or practice soccer, please just do it. I had a playing test on the second day of camp over three songs I absolutely did NOT know. I spend two days giving up my free time that I could've spent relaxing memorizing these songs. Yes, I did okay on my playing test, but I would have been a lot better off if I had known them in the first place. So just practice so it doesn't bite you in the long run. 
> 
> 3) Umm that was really all I had other than WEAR SUNSCREEN. Ohmygod I got sunburn on my ear and nose and camp was a week ago and it is still. here. And yes, it still hurts. So please, just take care of yourself. Drink water- you need it. Eat something good for you, then treat yourself with something not good for you- it's okay. You deserve a candy or a cookie or an entire cake every once in a while. Cuddle up in a blanket and watch a movie with a warm drink, because I honestly believe that can cure any sorrows. 
> 
> So this really wasn't an amazing note, but it's late and I'm tired and that's really no excuse heh. But I do mean it all- let yourself loosen up a bit, even if you don't want to. Fear is only a figment of your imagination- it tells you things are bad when you really don't know for sure. So just tell fear to shut the hell up and go for it every once in a while. Drink some water, and then some soda, and eat a salad and then some cake. It's okay. You're okay.  
> So just remember- deep breaths- - - happy thoughts- - - and everything is going to be okay. I love you so so much, and until next time *waves* goodbye! ^-^


	2. Chapter Two

Dragon- Heyo

PastelHowell- what

Dragon- what?

PastelHowell- What does that even mean?

Dragon- What? Like hey, heyo

PastelHowell- You're weird

Dragon- thank you

Dragon- Hey, what's your real name? Not just your tumblr URL

PastelHowell- ...Dan

Dragon- Dan Howell?

PastelHowell- Unfortunately 

Dragon- Hey, it's cute 

PastelHowell- *blushes* thanks... what's yours?

Dragon- Lester, Phil Lester

PastelHowell- Okay I'll ignore the joke to address the fact that your name is too nice for your appearance. I expected something like Striker or something.

Dragon- Stop stereotyping me!

PastelHowell- Ugh sorry. 's just weird

Dragon- Not weird- different

PastelHowell- Sure

PastelHowell- Hey I gotta go, seeya 

Dragon- Okay, bye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I am not giving this chapter a note because it's the same day at 4 am and I don't really have much to say  
> Just remember, as always, that I love you so so much, and that will never change. Take some deep breaths, think some happy thoughts, and everything is going to be okay- I promise. I love you, and until next time, goodbye! ^-^
> 
> Okay hi this is me editing this chapter because I have something to say- I love you guys. So much. I was reading back through some of the comments I've gotten, and oh my god thank you. You guys are the sweetest and kindest people and I love reading your comments. It's only ever nice things, and it's just- It's really a day brightener when I read them. So all I want to say is thank you so much, and I love and appreciate you so so much. So if you ever do want to comment something, no matter what it is, I'd love it so much.   
> So again, I absolutely love you so so much, and I can't wait to see/hear form you agian *waves* Bye! ^-^


	3. Chapter Three

Dragon- Hey Danny!

PastelHowell- Don't call me that.

Dragon- Why not? It's a cute name for a cute boy

My cheeks flushed bright pink

PastelHowell- Noo

PastelHowell- But if you call me Danny then I have to call you Philly

Dragon ._.

Dragon- Truce? 

PastelHowell- XD truce

Dragon- good

Dragon- so, I had this far-fetched idea...

PastelHowell- Yeah?

Dragon- Do you have skype?

PastelHowell- Yeah..

Dragon- What's your username?

PastelHowell- PastelDan09

PastelHowell- Phil I swear I'll be pissed if you call me 

PastelHowell- I won't answer if you do

It was then I heard the skype ringtone, and I've never shut my laptop quicker. I can't let him see me like this- bloodied and bruised. I denied his call and watched more messages pop up

Dragon- Okay, I'm sorry, I just want to see you

Dragon- I promise I won't call again, just please come back 

Dragon- Dan?

Dragon- Okay.. I'll message you later 


	4. Chapter Four

**Phil's POV~**

I was beginning to wonder why Dan always left so quickly, but I'd only just met him and I don't want to bombard him with questions he might not want to answer. So with my  curiosity weighing down on me, I messaged him after work like I always do. 

Dragon- Hey

PastelHowell- Hai

Dragon- What's up?

PastelHowell- walking

Dragon- Dan

PastelHowell- What

Dragon- Dan it's pouring out

PastelHowell- So

Dragon- Why are you walking in the pouring rain?

PastelHowell- Because I don't have a car, but I like the rain

Dragon- Don't get sick

PastelHowell- no promises

Dragon- You twat

Dragon- I wanted to say sorry btw

PastelHowell- For what?

Dragon- For calling you last night when you didn't want me to

PastelHowell- Oh, it's fine

Dragon- Okay

Dragon- Hey, I've got another, less extreme idea 

PastelHowell- Which is?

Dragon- let's exchange phone numbers, so we don't have to message on tumblr

PastelHowell- Um.. okay

Dragon- Yay! Mine is, (I'm not making up a number use your imagination surry)

PastelHowell- Okay, I'll text you

I smiled and sat waiting for Dan's message, and after ten minutes I got curious. Did he type in the wrong number? Did I type in the wrong number? Had something happened to him? My curiosity and worry got the best of me for an another hour until I felt my phone vibrate

Unknown Number- Hey, it's dan

Phil- Oh, hey Dan, where have you been?

Dan- Listen, I'm really sorry, but I can't talk right now. I just wanted to make sure I got the number right. 

Phil- Oh, alright. Are you okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I apologise, I don't have another note. I just want to remind you to take good care of yourself and know that I love you and could not appreciate you any more. Take some deep breaths in--- and out--- and you're going to be okay. I love you, thank you so much, and until next time! ^-^


	5. Chapter Five

**Dan's POV~**

I felt his hand around my neck, the other hitting me square in the jaw. "You're a useless piece of shit, you know that?" He spat in my face. "You're just a stupid fag that can't even act like a man. You might as well be a girl with the pathetic way you dress. No man wears pink, you stupid faggot." He slapped me again before dropping me to the floor, kicking me twice before walking away. I ran, as best as I could, to my room, where I sat and cried for the rest of the night.  _I wish I had someone... just someone to make it better..._

Me: Hi

Phil: Hey, Dan!

Me: Sorry I had to run off last night

Phil It's alright. You okay?

Me: I'm fine. What's up?

Phil: I'm on my lunch break

Me: Oh, where do you work?

Phil: Starbucks

Me: Really? A bad ass like you working at Starbucks?

Phil: Hey! What'd I tell you about stereotyping?!

Me: Lol, sorry. Do you get free coffee?

Phil: yeah, sometimes

Me: Sweet, maybe I should work at Starbucks

Phil: Lol, it's not as magical as it sounds. There are a lot of assholes that come in like they're the queen of England

Me: Wow, that's shit

Me: Has the Queen of England ever come in?

Phil: Lol, not that I know of

Me: Bummer

Phil: Hey, I hate to run, but my breaks over. I'll text you after though, 'kay?

Me: Yeah. Bye. Lemme know if you see the Queen of England

Phil: Lol I will. Bye

I examined the bruises added to my sides. They stung and brought more tears to my eyes, but Phil had helped me forget about it for just a little bit. 


	6. Chapter Six

**Phil's POV~**

I walked out of the small but busy coffee shop, relieved that my shift was over. I had been waiting the rest of the day to text Dan again. Starbucks was only a block from my flat, so I waited until I was sat in my home to text Dan.

Me: Heyo

Dan: What

Me: Heyo

Dan: What does that even mean

Me: Hey

Dan: You're wierd

Me: Thanks

Me: So what's up

Dan: Walking

Me: You walk a lot?

Dan: Yeah

Me: Cool. Where do you walk to?

Dan: Where ever I end up

Me: Inspiring

Dan: How many one-word-answers can you give?

Me: Many

Dan: Fuck off

Me: Well that was a bit rude

Dan: Good

Me: Hey, when do you suppose you'll be home?

Dan: Um, why?

Me: Cuz I've got a wild idea

Dan: Um, I'm headed home now. Maybe 5-10 minutes?

Me: Great. Text me then

Dan: Ok...

 

**Dan's POV~**

The truth was, I wasn't headed home. I was hoping to keep walking until I fell off the face of the earth, but I guess I was on my way back to hell. About ten minutes later I reached my doorstep, but I didn't want to go inside. I wanted to turn around and walk and never look back. But I willed myself to put my hand on the doorknob and walk inside. I was greeted by my unconscious father on the couch, reeking of alcohol and smoke. I hurried to my room where I locked the doors and sat on my bed. I texted Phil.

Me: I'm home. What did you want. 

Phil: Okay, don't hate me

Me: What?

Then I heard the Skype ringtone from my laptop. A big part of me wanted to do what I did last time, except never text him again. I didn't want him to get too close and learn too much about me. But there was the small part of me that won, forcing me to take my laptop and answer the call. 

My face was out of shot, but Phil was front and center. His Tumblr had pictures of him, but few and none were recent. His hair was black, not with electric blue highlights. He had a cartilage piercing, two lobe piercings, an eyebrow piercing, and a lip piercing. There were tattoos all down his arms and one on his chest poking out from his shirt. God, is it illegal for someone to be so beautiful? He smiled when I answered, but then frowned. 

"I can't see your face," he remarked. 

"I know."

"But I want to see you. I've seen your pictures on Tumblr, you're cute. Pleeeease?" He asked, stretching out the 'e.' I couldn't say no to him, could I? Reluctantly, I re positioned the screen so he could see my face. I was wearing my favourite lilac skinny jeans with a light grey jumper. Phil smiled when he could see me; I blushed. 

"You're beautiful," he commented. 

"No I'm not," I said. The last time someone called me beautiful, they didn't mean it. Not at all. 

"I mean it, you're so beautiful," Phil pressed. 

"Thanks," I said.

"So, what's up?"

"Nothing. I mean I just got back fro-" I was interrupted by a loud crash of thunder. I went stiff, my eyes wide and blood cold. Sure, I loved the rain, but I absolutely hated thunder. Everyone said it's the least harmful, as all it was was sound, but I didn't care. I was terrified. 

"Dan, you okay?" I turned back to Phil, who had a concerned look on his face. I nodded. 

"Are you afraid of thunder?" I nodded.

"Aw, it's okay.. Even though I'm not with you physically, I'll protect you." That made me smile a bit.  "Hey, we can be thunder buddies!" I laughed at that.  "I knew I'd get you to laugh." I loved the bright smile he had on his face, all from making me laugh. 

"Hey, Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"Which Starbucks do you work at?" It was a bold question, I knew, but I was going to test my luck. 

"Um, the one across form Nando's, why?"

"Just wondering," I responded. We talked for another five minutes before I heard something downstairs. I listened for a minutes before realizing it was my dad. 

"Um, hey, I hate to leave, but, uh, I've gotta go," I said quickly, trying to get off before my father came up. 

"Oh, ok. Talk to you later?"

"Yeah. Bye."

"Bye, Danny." I closed my laptop before I heard the knocking. 

"Hey, fag, you in there?" I whimpered. "Fucking answer me!"

"Y-yes," I stuttered. 

"Oh, thought you'd lock your door on me? Thought you could try to fucking hide from me!" I closed my eyes and tried to imagine it all away. Blow after blow, I thought of Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! How are you? I have to apologise for not having very good notes for this story, but there are just so many chapters and I don't have a topic for each one :( But if you ever think of absolutely anything you'd like me to talk about, please, let me know! I love hearing from you guys and helping out, so if there's absolutely anything you'd like to see here, just comment it and I'll see :)
> 
> I honestly don't have much for this chapter, but I just wanted to see how you are doing :) Are you starting school soon? I start in three days from when I'm uploading this- I'll be sophomore. I'm not really excited for it, but I tolerate it enough. Do you enjoy school? What's your favourite subject? Are you in any clubs? Are you even in school? Tell me about yourself, school is always an interesting thing to learn about, and I love learning about you guys. 
> 
>  
> 
> Here's some tips I've got from my school experience~
> 
> 1) Breathe. I know school, especially the first day, is stressful as hell. But just allow yourself to take a minute and breathe. Excuse yourself to the bathroom and splash a bit of water on your face, take some deep breaths, and relax. 
> 
> 2) Lunch sucks, especially if you haven't got any friends in your lunch. But if you don't, don't panic. You can either sit alone or with the nicest looking people you see, and it'll be okay. If you don't want to awkwardly sit alone, you can read or write or draw or do homework, anything that'll keep you occupied and happy. Just don't stress about it :)
> 
> 3)Do your homework. Please, just try. I know it's awful and stressful and not fun at all, but the sooner you get it down, the sooner you can watch YouTube or read or draw, and you won't have to worry about your homework while you do it. Just try to relax and get it done. And it is totally okay to take a break in the middle- put your pencil down and get a drink or a snack, or allow yourself some time to get on social media for a minute. And listen to music while you work if that helps, I know it does for me :)
> 
> 4) If you're anything like me, you find it very very hard to sleep for the first day or even week of school. What i would say is, if you absolutely can't fall asleep, just lie down and listen to music or read, anything that might calm you down and help you relax. Drink a glass of milk or water, eat some toast, and just b-r-e-a-t-h. I promise you'll be okay, and there is nothing to worry about. I know it's scary, but I promise you'll adapt and be okay :)
> 
> That's about all I've got for that, but if you need help with anything else or have any questions, I check my inbox constantly, so just comment and I'll respond, or you can find my social media stuff, which is on my profile, and you can talk to me there :) I hope this could help if you're starting or in school right now, because I know it;s tough and weird and stressful, but I know you'll get through it :)
> 
> So, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, but most importantly I hope you have a lovely day. deep breaths--- happy thoughts--- and everything is going to be okay, I promise. I love you, and I'll see you ext time ^-^


	7. Chapter Seven

**Dan's POV~**

I woke up having more bruises than the day before, though that was a daily occurrence. But I didn't let it stop me; not this time. I got ready quickly, not allowing myself any time to back out of my decision. I showered and got ready in what I saw as my most 'attractive' outfit. I had on my tightest and most flattering skinny jeans, a white button up, and a baby blue jumper, and collar of the button up folded over the jumper. I straightened my hair and brushed my teeth, hoping my appearance could make up for my awkwardness. 

For once feeling a little good about myself, I tried to throw my nerves aside and stepped out the door and down the pavement.  _I hope this goes well..._

**Phil's POV~**

Work was especially busy on Saturdays, when people came in at all hours for all different things. Weekdays it's more simply that people come in for a simple breakfast, and maybe an after dinner treat. But weekends are hectic all day. 

I heard the bell on the door ring, signally that yet another customer had come in. I sighed to myself before hearing them order. 

"Um, can I get a Caramel Macchiato?" I had my head down, recounting register money, so it took my a moment to look up and take their money. 

"Oh, I'm sorry, uh-" it wasn't until I was about to take their money that I saw him-  his baby blue jumper, tight skinny jeans, and white trainers. 

"Dan?" I said. I had only seen him via blurry Skype calls, but I knew his hazel-brown hair and cute smile anywhere. 

"Y-yeah, uh, hi," he said, obviously nervous. 

"I should've expected to see you, after you asked where I worked," I laughed. It wasn't until someone stepped in line behind Dan that I realized this wasn't the best time to chat.

"Oh, um, I'll pay for this," I said, making him blush and put away his money. "Do you wanna wait for me? My lunch break is in ten minutes." He smiled and nodded, taking his drink and sitting in the corner of the establishment. 

 

Dan must have been too invested in his phone, because when I sat down and tapped his hand, he jumped and let out a quiet but high pitched yelp.

"Woah, you okay?" I said with a bit of a chuckle.

"Ha, yeah, sorry, just a bit jumpy," he said, brushing it off. "So, um, how's it going?" I laughed internally at how cute he was when he was nervous.

"It's pretty good. This place is always busiest on the weekends, though."

"Do you want to do anything else with your life? As a career, I mean." I'd never thought about it too much. Did I really want to be working here for the rest of my life?

"I guess I'd never really thought about it to much. I mean I've thought about doing something other than serving assholes coffee, but I'd never given to much thought as to what I'd do instead." He nodded and sipped his drink more. 

"What do you want to do?" I found myself asking. I caught him off guard with that. 

"Oh, um- it's stupid, really..." he looked down into his lap, fumbling with his fingers. 

"Tell me," I pressed calmly. He looked up. "Please?"

"I-I want to illustrate children's books... I know that's stupid, and in no way any kind of great career-"

"I think it sounds great. It's unique, and it suits your cute personality." He blushed and whispered 'thank you.' I smiled, before realizing the time.  "Shit, I'm so sorry, but my break is over. Um, I'll text you later, yeah?" I said, standing. 

"Yeah."

"It was great to see you, Dan. We should so this again." He smiled and nodded, and I couldn't help but watch him leave and walk down the street, not taking my eyes off of him until he was completely out of sight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely ^-^ How are you? Again, I don't have a note, I just want to see how you're doing and remind you to just take some breaths, relax, and know that I love you <3 I hope you have a lovely day, and until next time! ^-^


	8. Chapter Eight

Dan's POV~

It's been a week since I surprised Phil, and we've gotten closer. We haven't met up again, even thought we keep telling each other how much we need to. No matter how much I wanted to meet up with him again, I didn't want the reason being the one it was today. 

Me: Phil

Me: Phil I need help

Phil: Dan, are you okay? 

Phil: What's wrong?

Phil: Where are you?

My phone vibrated vigorously and, with shaky hands, I picked it up and answered, knowing it was Phil.

"Dan? Dan, where are you? What's wrong?" Phil said with a greatly panicked tone.

"I- Phil, I n-need help," I stuttered, more tears falling. I was so stupid, why did I text him? It's not like he'd care. 

"Dan, where are you?"

"Home, I- it got bad, and I-"

"What's your address?"

"2346 Maple Drive," I said, spilling more tears. 

"Okay, Dan, I'm on my way. Are you going to be okay for a few minutes until I get there?" I nodded, only to realize he couldn't see me. 

"Y-yeah, I'll be okay."

"Okay. I'm gonna stay on the phone to make sure you're okay, alright?" 

"Y-yeah," I said, hoping he would do most of the talking form now on; my jaw hurt like hell and my lip was swollen, so talking was a bit of a pain. 

"Okay. Hey, Dan, you want to know what my favourite post of yours is?" I could tell he was simply trying to change the subject, trying to calm me down. He didn't wait for an answer before telling me. "It's the one of you in pastel purple jeans and a grey jumper, with a purple flower crown on. You looked so cute, and your smile was incredible." I smiled, as much as I could, through the immense pain. 

"Hey, Dan, do you want me to come through the front door?" Phil said, trying to stay calm. 

"J- just be q-quick and quiet," I told him, remembering my father. Next thing I knew he had hung up, but was soon running through my door and attacking me in a hug. 

"Are you okay? God, Dan, what happened?" I shook my head. I didn't want him to know. I didn't want to tell him about it. "Well we need to get you cleaned up, Dan."

"P-Phil, I know I just m-met you, b-but, could I s-stay at yours? I know it's rude t-to invite myself over, b-but-"

"Of course you can, Dan. Come on, let's get you to mine so you can rested. I nodded and he practically carried me to his car. It was a silent ride as I watched the tiny raindrops race down the windshield. Phil helped me inside and quickly, but carefully, and got me into the bathroom. He told me to remove my shirt, but I wouldn't budge. 

"Dan, you've got bruises I need to look at and take care of. Please, I won't judge you. I won't evens say anything, just let me take care of them." After a moment I finally gave in and let him tend to my wounds. My entire abdomen was covered in dark purple, blue, and black marks, scattered all over. This was probably the hardest beating he'd ever given me, and I would be feeling it for a while. Every time he touched a bruise to take care of it, more tears slipped through my eyes. He shushed me gently and rubbed my back or arm comfortingly, which I greatly appreciated. When he finished I put my shirt back on and gave him a soft hug, which he returned. 

"T-thank you, Phil," I said. 

"Don't thank me. I'm always here to help." Then I felt a pair of soft lips on my forehead, and blushed at the action. He then led me to his room, where we shared his bed. He wrapped an arm around my waist, ever so carefully.

"Goodnight, Danny," He said. I smiled. 

"Goodnight, Philly."  _I love you..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! How art thou? So I am going to be just quickly adding the next couple chapters, meaning I am not going to have a note. I'm really sorry, but this story is so long and I don't have enough ideas for notes :( Again, I am so sorry, but I do still love you guys so so much, and I really hope you're enjoying the story :) Remember- deep breaths, happy thoughts, and you're going to be okay. Until next time! ^-^


	9. Chapter Nine

**Phil's POV~**

I woke up expecting to find Dan laying next to me like he was last night. But when I awoke my arms were empty. I scrambled out of bed, quickly running around the flat calling his name. 

"Dan? Dan, where are you?!" I threw on some shoes and picked up my phone, calling him as I ran outside. The phone rang and rang, and I thought he wasn't going to pick up. 

"Dan? Dan! Where are you? I woke up and you were gone and-"

"Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"Calm down. I'm s-sorry, I just couldn't sleep, so I went outside and sat by the pond..." I let out an exasperated sigh. 

"Okay, okay... I'll come meet you there, okay?"

"Okay." He sounded sad, and I wasn't sure why. It must have something to do with whatever happened last night. I quickly jogged to pond that was a block or two down from my flat. There he was, sat in a pair of looser skinny jeans and an over-sized pink jumper. He looked so cute and content, I wanted to kiss him so bad. But I wordlessly made my way over fallen branches and poking plants to sit down beside him and gaze into the seemingly endless water. 

"Dan?" I said quietly. 

"Yeah?" He said even quieter. 

"Can you tell me what happened last night?" I moves closer to him and delicately placed my hand on the small of his back, letting him know I was here to help, and I cared. 

"I- Phil, it was just- it was so scary. He'd never been so angry a- and violent." I saw a few tears fall from his eyes and I rubbed his back, letting him know to take his time. "He- he kept hitting me, and he wouldn't stop yelling and I- I couldn't take it. He left and went back to the b-basement and got drunk, a" he sniffled and wiped his eyes, trying to clear the tears. "He finally passed out, and w- when he did I kn- knew what I had to do. Or what I thought I did." I felt like I knew what he was saying, but I didn't want it to be true. "I-I got a knife, and- Phil I'm so sorry!" He fell in to my chest, heaving out broken sobs. He didn't need to finish talking for me to know what he did. 

"Shh, it's okay, it's okay. I'm here, and I won't let anything happen to you."

"I- it was the first t-time, I swear, I just-"

"Shh, Dan, it's okay. I'm not mad, I just hate seeing you in so much pain. But we'll make it better, okay?" I was bold and kissed him on the top of the head. It seemed to calm him down more, and I comfortingly squeezed him bit and rubbed his arm. 

"I'm here, Dan. I've got you."


	10. Chapter Ten

**Dan's POV~**

I lied with my head on Phil's shoulder, looking up at the sunrise sky, not wanting to ever leave Phil's warm embrace. 

"Hey, Dan?" Phil broke the silence, keeping his gaze on the sky. 

"Yeah?"

"You're 18, yeah?"

"Um yeah," I said, turning to look at him as he kept still. 

"So you can move out stuff," he said as more of a statement than a question. 

"Phil? What are you getting at?"

"Well, why don't you move in with me? I mean, you're dad is a fucking asshole, and I could use the company. I mean only if you wanna..."

"Phil, I- I'd love to, but, I- I just don't know. I need to find a job to help pay rent, and I don't wanna just throw myself into your house..." my paranoia was getting the best of me, by Phil simply turned his head and kissed my forehead. 

"I swear, you will never be intruding on my life. It's your choice, but I'd sure love to have you around." I thought a moment.  _Could I really do this?_

"Only if you're sure you're one hundred percent okay with it-"

"Dan, don't make me say it again," he said with a chuckle. "I would love to have you around. Please?" I sighed, smiling, and nodded. Phil grinned and turned to hug my, practically crawling on top of me as we lied on the grass. 

"I still need to get stuff form my house though..." I really didn't want to have to go back to my house- well, my dad's house. 

"That's okay, I'll drive you there and help you pack up," he said casually.

"U- uh, okay, yeah," I said. 

"Is that alright? Are you okay?"  _Why does he have to be so caring._

"yeah, I'm fine, it's just, my dad."

"Hey, it'll be okay. I'll make sure he doesn't lay a finger on you, you got it?" He said, and I trusted him. I trusted him with my entire life. 

"O- okay." He smiled and kissed me quick on the cheek before leading me to his car. He started blasting MCR, Welcome to the Black Parade being the first song to come on. 

"When I was, a young boy, my father, took me into the city, to see a marching baand..." Phil sang. I laughed and he smiled, poking my dimple. "You're cute," he said, making me blush profusely. We made it to my dad's house, and I was shaking. I was scared at what he might to do me, or what Phil might do to him if he tried to do anything to me. Phil noticed my distressed state and took my hand, squeezing it reassuringly. 

"Hey, it's gonna be okay. Just one quick trip in and we'll never have to come back," he said, leading me to the front door. I nodded. I opened the door, as it was always unlocked, to see my dad sat in his chair watching who-knows-what on TV. He heard me come in and turned around, revealing an evil grin. 

"I was waiting for you to show up. Who this fag, your boyfriend?" He snarled. I squeezed Phil's hand, silently willing him not to let go. "What, am i scaring you, you fucking pussy?" he yelled. "Good. you should be fucking scared!" he screamed and threw his beer bottle across the room, and I watched as it shattered against the wall. I jumped and practically hid behind Phil, gripping his hand harder and harder.

"Hey, fuck off, mate," Phil stepped up. "Since when do you have the right to abuse your own son?" Phil was obviously furious. 

"Since he's been  _my_ son. Since when does a fag like have the right to judge how I raise my god damn family!" He stepped forward and slapped Phil hard, causing him to stumble and separate from me. 

"Phil," I practically whispered, trying to reach for him. But he was to concerned with punching my father back to pay attention to me. There were fists flying and blood pouring, and I couldn't stand it. The person I hated most fighting with the person I loved. I stumbled back away from the fight and ran to my room, where I closed the door and locked it. That's when the tears started falling. I walked on wobbling legs to the opposite wall, where I fell down with my head in my hands, letting out choked sobs. I knew I should be trying to help Phil, but he could handle himself. I let the sound of my own sobbing drown out the sounds of skin hitting skin and cracking bones, clouding my mind and body with a numb feeling. 


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Phil's POV~**

I was hit too many times to count, but in the end, Dan's dad ended up getting knocked out. I didn't feel bad. He'd caused so much pain to Dan, he should be dead.  _Wait, Dan... where is he?_

"Dan? Dan, where are you?" I started stumbling around his house trying to find him. I came to what must have been his bedroom, standing out due to the Polaroid pictures of flowers. I knocked, but no answer. I tried the handle, but it was locked. 

"Dan? Dan, please, I know you're in there." He still didn't answer. I pulled out m phone and tried calling him. 

"Come on, Dan, pick up," I muttered to myself. Four failed phone calls later, I resorted to texting. 

Me: Dan? 

Me: Dan, please,, I'm worried about you, I want to make sure you're okay.

Me: I know you're in your room

Me: Please let me in

Dan: Go away

Me: Why?

Me: Dan, I was just trying to help. I told you wouldn't let him lay a finger on you, and I upheld that promise. 

Dan: I don't like when people fight. Verbally or physically

Me: I know, I'm sorry, Dan. Just please let me in so I can talk to you.

I heard rustling on the other side of the door, and soon heard the click of a lock. After a moment I slowly opened the door. Dan was sat at the wall opposite the door, back to the wall and knees to his chest. 

"Dan," I said, slowly making my way towards him. He lifted his head from his knees and his eyes were full of tears. "Are- what's the matter, Dan?" I said, sitting beside him. He flinched a bit when I put my hand on his knee, and I took it off.  "I- Do you think I'm going to hurt you?" I felt hurt, and shocked.  _Why would I ever hurt Dan? Why would he think I would?_ "Dan, I'm not going to hurt you," I said softly, placing my hand back on his knee. 

"I h- hate when people f-fight," he stuttered. 

"I know, I know. I just hate what he's done to you," I said, wrapping my arms around him. "I'm not going to let any of that happen again, okay?" I kissed his cheek. He nodded. "How about we get your stuff together so we can get back to my house, yeah?"

"Just- just give me a m- minute," he said, wiping away his tears.

"Of course," I said, hugging him again. He took a deep breath and sighed, slowly standing on wobbly legs. He took a suitcase out of his closet and started filling it with clothes, books, chargers, and his laptop. He went to the bathroom to get his toiletries, and then zipped up the bag. He silently looked at me and I got up and hugged him lovingly, never wanting to let go.  

"You ready?" I asked. He nodded and I took his suitcase to my car, throwing it in the back as Dan got in the passengers seat. I started driving, neither of us saying a word. 

"I'm sorry, Dan," i finally said. 

"It's okay," he whispered, fumbling with his fingers. 

"No, it's not. I feel awful, even though I was just trying to help. I'm sorry I scared you." He just nodded, not knowing what to say. And we stayed like that, the silence filled by our actions of his fumbling fingers and my rhythmic thumbs. Rain slowly began to fall and, for a moment, everything felt at peace. 


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woah long chapter, get your popcorn guys :)

**Dan's POV~**

Me: Hey, Phil?

Phil: Yes, Dan?

Me: Where do you keep the bread?

Phil: In the cupboard above the sink.

Me: Thank you

Phil: You doing alright?

Me: Yes

Phil: Okay, let me know if you need anything else. I'll keep my phone on my while I'm at work.

Me: Okay

Me: Hey Phil

Phil: Yes?

Me: Do you have any tea?

Phil: Yes, also in the cupboard above the sink

Me: Thank you

Phil: You're welcome. I'm at work now, so just text me if you need something, okay?

Me: Okay. Bye

This had been going on for three days now. Phil left for work and I'd constantly bother him with meaningless questions. I felt awkward in his house, like I was intruding. I didn't know where anything was, and it was all so foreign. 

It was five p.m., and Phil was supposed to be home in an hour, but I was so bored and  lonely I decided to go for a walk. It was the middle of April, so it had been raining daily. It was only a sprinkle, but the small droplets of water cascading down on me were calming in a way, and I took a deep breath and began venturing down the pavement. It was a cool day, and the sun didn't shine bright, illuminating only what needed to be seen. I started to feel a little calmer and soothed. But it didn't last long enough. 

"Hey, fag!"  _Shit_. I knew that voice too well. I didn't turn around. 

"Fucking look at me, you piece of shit!" I felt a strong hand on my should turn me around and throw me against a wall. "Miss me, fag?" It was Adam. The guy who enjoyed beating me up the most in high school. I sure as hell didn't miss him, but he seemed happy to see me again. 

"Answer. Me." He enunciated, slapping me hard. 

"No," I answered through gritted teeth, knowing it would get me hurt. 

"Wong answer," He said. He punched me, and I felt my head hit the wall hard. I felt light headed as he threw me on the ground and kicked me, over and over. It wasn't until he saw the blood coming out of my head that he stopped. 

"Oh shit," he said, stumbling back and quickly running off. A minute later I heard someone gasp and felt a hand on my cheek.  

"We need to call 999," they said, and the last thing I heard was the growing sound of sirens. 

 

 _Beeep. Beeep. Beeep._  I felt light headed, and my eyes were blurry. I noticed the immense pain in my head when I tried to move it, and I winced as the pain only grew.  _What the hell happened_ _?_  Oh yeah. Adam, the punching, the blood, 999. It all came back, and I looked around, without turning my head, to see I was in a hospital room. It wasn't all pure white like they say in books or you see in movies. It was a slightly yellowed white, and the gown I was in and sheet on top of me were blue. I heard a kind of click and looked to see a nurse coming in the room. 

"Oh, looks like you're up. You were out for four hours. How are you feeling?" She held a clipboard and had her hair in a tight and neat ponytail. She wasn't the most attractive, but she was pretty. 

"U- um, m-my h-h- head h-hurts-" why am I stuttering so much?

"Oh, dear, hold on," she said. She took a look at her papers and then back at me. "Oh, dear. Could you try speaking again? What's your name?"  _My name. Simple._  

"D- Dani-el H-howe-ll."  _What the fuck! Why can't I speak right?_

"Oh no, um, I'm going to go have a chat with the doctor, I'll be back in a moment, okay?"

"W-wait. C-can I h-have m-m-my ph-phone?" I wanted to text him, I wanted to text Phil, as I doubted he had been contacted. 

"Um, I'm not really permitted to do that until you've been completely cleared, but..." she walked over to the table across the room and got my phone, handing it to me. 

"Th-thank you," I said. She smiled and left the room. I opened my phone to find message after message from Phil. 

Phil: Hey Dan, where are you? 

Phil: Are you home?

Phil: Dan, where did you go?

Phil: Dan please answer me

Phil: Dan I'm getting worried. 

_Missed call from Phil_

_Missed call from Phil_

_Missed call from Phil_

Phil: Dan please, it's been an hour, where are you?

Phil: Dan I'm so worried please answer me

Phil: I need to know you're alright. 

_Missed call from Phil_

_Missed call from Phil_  

_Missed call from Phil_

_Missed call from Phil_

_Missed call from Phil_

_Missed call from Phil_

_Missed call from Phil_

_Oh god, I've really worried him_ , I thought. I quickly sent him a text. 

Me: Hey, I'm really sorry I worried you. I got in some trouble, but I'm alright. 

He answered immediately. 

Phil: Dan, where are you?! 

Me: I'm in the hospital, but it's okay, I'm alright. 

Phil: Hospital?! You being in the hospital means you are not alright! I'm on my way. 

Me: No, really Phil I'm okay

Me: Phil please

He didn't answer, and I knew I'd be seeing him soon. Then the nurse and a male doctor came in my room. 

"Hello, Daniel," he said. "I'm Doctor Richard."

"H-hi. It's j-just D-Dan," I told him, getting even more angered by my stutter. 

"Well, I have some news I thought you'd like to hear." I nodded, willing him to continue. "Well, you hit your head quite hard, and you're lucky it didn't result in any kind of memory loss or other sever brain damage. But it did effect you speech, which you've probably learned. It's possible that it could improve with time, but it's very likely you'll be stuck with a stutter for, well, the rest of your life." My mouth fell open. I couldn't believe it. I was going to be a stuttering freak for the rest of my life. 

"The impact also resulted in some blood loss, and there a decent cut on your head, so you've also got stitches," the nurse chimed in. "You will be able to leave tomorrow if all is well, but you'll have to come back in a week to get the stitches checked, and they'll be removed in a month." I nodded and she smiled before they left. I sighed at the news I'd learned.  _A stutter for the rest of my life..._

Just then I heard the door open, and I saw someone I didn't want to break the news to- Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hai! Guys I am so incredibly sorry for being so late to update. School has started and I've been getting negative hours of sleep and that's not really an excuse, but I am so so sorry. I hope you've still been doing well- I haven't been able to stop thinking about you guys and how you' doing, honest. So how are you doing? Have you started school yet? Whether you have or haven't, I hope things aren't to hard right now. I hope you're able to have some time to yourself to relax and enjoy something. 
> 
> One thing I know is that, especially when school starts, your mod can drop. Either a lot or a little or from good to bad or anything else. And I also know that's it really hard to get it up and keep it up. I've been feeling like that recently, with the stress of school starting and such. One thing you can do is talk to someone, like family or friend or even me, because I consider you guys the best friends I could ever have. But something that always makes me happy, is making other people happy. No matter what I do, I become so much happier when I make someone smile- that's why I love it here so much. I make you guys happy and smile even just for a moment and that is such an amazing feeling. I gave someone a sticker the other day and it actually made their day, and their smile just made me so happy.  
> There's so many things you can do to lift your mood. Give someone a sticker, tell them you enjoy their company, tell them they look nice. There's websites where all you do is get virtual hugs from lots of people. Do whatever you have o do to be happy, because you're health- mental or physical- should be your first priority. You matter, more than the sun and moon and stars and everything their worth. You're so much more than that. So allow yourself to relax. Set your homework aside, even for ten minutes. Get a snack, sit back, watch a video or read something nice. Heck, take a nap. Let yourself replenish your energy so you can focus and work better. The more you take care of yourself on the inside, the better you'll preform on the outside.   
> Taking care of yourself is so so important, and that's the assignment this time. Take care of yourself. Everyday I want you to do at least one new thing to look after yourself. Drink an extra glass of water, take a bath or shower, eat an apple or muffin. Just try to look after yourself, and you'll feel better than you do now. So let me know if you change anything about your daily routine to take better care of yourself, because I would love to hear that you're doing well and looking after yourself. I'm always going to be here to care and look after you, but I unfortunately can't be right with every one of you 24/7, no matter how much I would love to. So drink some water, eat something, and sleep well. I love you guys, and I would love even more to hear that you're doing well and taking care. And even if you aren't, that's okay. I still love you so much. Just try to push yourself, just a little bit, to drink a bit more water, take one more bite, and lay down a bit sooner. 
> 
> Again, I am so incredibly sorry how long this took, please forgive me. I am going to upload a few more chapters without notes like this, but another one will be soon, I promise this time. So just remember- Deep breaths- in through the nose... out through the mouth- happy thoughts, and I promise you're going to be okay. I love you guys oh so much, and I can't wait to see you again. Until next time! ^-^


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Phil's POV~**

I love Dan- well, in a platonic way- but he looked awful. He had a lack eyes and bruised cheek, a busted lip and a bandaged-wrapped head. 

"Oh my god, Dan, what happened?" I asked running toward him. But he just shook his head. "Dan? Why aren't you speaking? Are you unable to speak?" I panicked; was he mute? He shook his head, telling me he could speak. "Why won't you speak? Please, Dan, I'm worried." He looked at me with sad eyes, and I just wanted to hug him and never let go. I would have, too, if a nurse hadn't come in. 

"Hello, Phil, right?" she said. I nodded. "And you're Dan's friend, right?"

"Um, yes, he's living with me." I wasn't quite sure why I felt I needed to add that. Maybe I was afraid she'd kick me out if I wasn't of some kind of importance to Dan's life. 

"Okay could you please come with me?" I nodded, looking at Dan once more before stepping out into the hall with her. 

"What's wrong? Is he okay? Why won't he speak to me?" I bombarded her with questions, knowing it would annoy her but only caring about Dan. 

"Dan is okay- well, for the most part. He got beat up pretty badly, and in the process he hit his head pretty hard. He's got seven stitches on his head, and he did lose a significant amount of blood. But that aside, there is another thing. I know he would probably rather tell you this himself..." 

"Please, I need to know. I've been worried about him."

"Well, with how hard he hit his head, he's lucky to not have lost his memory or had any other sever brain damage. But, it did alter his speak. You see there's a part of your brain connected with your speech, and that's where Dan was hit. He isn't mute, thank heavens, but he was left with a bit of a... stutter."  _A stutter? Really, that's it? Why is Dan so upset about that?_

"That's all?" I asked bewildered. 

"It doesn't seem like anything to you, nor would it be to anyone else, but I can tell Dan is extremely self conscious about it. It might take him a bit to get more open and talk as much as he used to." I nodded. 

"When will he be able to leave?"

"Tomorrow, if he keeps doing as well as he is." I nodded. 

"Can I go back and see him?" She nodded and I hesitantly opened the door to his room. 

"D- did she t-tell y-you?" He asked, seeming on the brick of tears. I nodded, sitting down and taking his hand. 

"Dan, it doesn't matter, it's just a minor thing. I'd much rather have you here like this than dead or in much worse condition." He nodded, wiping tears form his eyes. 

"How are you feeling?" I asked a moment later, trying to change the subject a bit. 

" 'm o-okay," he said. He sounded so small and fragile, and I couldn't help but envelope him in a hug. "Y-you're not s-so b-big and s-scary n-now," he said, making me laugh. 

"Get some rest, yeah? You'll be out of here tomorrow." He smiled weakly and nodded, drifting off in my arms. 


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT! Okay I am not like really sure how the brain works and connects to speech and what not, but I am NOT trying to offend anyone with a stutter. I love you and I know this probably isn't really what it's like, and for that I'm sorry. This all just for writing and entertainment, and I do not want to upset anyone. Thank you, I love you guys :)

**Dan's POV~**

The morning went by quickly, filled with fast tests and short questions. I mostly mumbled the answers, talking slow and quietly as I stuttered a bit less that way. 

It was half past noon when I was finally stood at the front desk with Phil, checking myself of the hospital.

"H- hey Ph-Phil?" I asked as we went form stiff conditioned air to the cool, fresh air of outside.

"Yeah?"

"D-don't you h-have w-w-work?" I asked, worried he was missing it. 

"Nope. I took the rest of the week off so I could stay home with  you," he said, giving me the cutest goddamn smile I'd ever seen. 

"W-what? Y-you di-didn't h-have to d-d-do that!" I said, stuttering more with how taken aback I was. 

"No, but I wanted to. I want to make sure you're okay and not too lonely." I blushed and he smiled, taking my hand in his and interlocking our fingers. I kept my eyes on the ground and our hands together as we walked back to Phil's flat. 

 

"Do you need anything?" Phil asked for the tenth time in the past two minutes. 

"N-no, Ph-Phil, I-I'm f-fine. S-s-stop a-and l-l-let-t's- G-GOD D-DAMMIT!" I yelled, getting so frustrated with how hard it was for me to talk. 

"Dan, what's wrong?" Phil asked, running in from the kitchen. 

"I-I c-can't fu-ucking talk!" I yelled, tears beginning to fall. 

"Dan, Dan you need to calm down," Phil said, coming close and taking my hands.

"I c-can't!" I pulled my hands from his and fell back on the sofa, burying my tear-stained face in my hands.

"Dan, please, listen," he said, taking my hands again. "I know it's going to be difficult, and you'll have to get used to it. But I promise I'll be here to help. I'll be patient with your words, and I'll try to help you stutter less."  _Why are you so amazing?_  He smiled and I realized I said it out loud. 

"I guess you'll just have to call me Amazing Phil," he laughed. 

"Sh-shut up," I said, swatting him away. He took me in a hug and kissed my forehead lightly. 

"I'm always going to be here," he whispered. 

"Y-you m-make me f-feel b-better," I said. He hugged be tighter and before I knew it his lips were on mine. They were soft and I melted into it. It wasn't until he slowly slid his tongue into my mouth that I noticed his tongue piercing. I let out a soft moan and he smiled and pulled away. I pouted and he pecked my lips, laying his forehead on mine. 

"Thank y-you," I whispered, and I smiled, content and happy for the first time in a while. 


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hai, um so WARNING this chapter is entirely (very badly written) smut, so if you don't like that that's totally cool, just skip to the end and I'll tell you what you missed :) Otherwise, continue on and enjoy!

**Dan's POV~**

It's been a week since I got out of the hospital. My speech hasn't gotten better, but Phil is patient, and I love him for that. We haven't taken things far at all, just a kiss here and there, though we had a pretty heated make out session last night. I don't even know what we are. Boyfriends? Does Phil want that?

Now we were sat at the dinner table eating the dinner I made- spaghetti. 

"This is good, Dan," Phil said. He always complimented my cooking, even if it was horrible. 

"Th- thanks." I set my fork down and took a  deep breath. "H- hey, Ph- Phil?" 

"Yeah, Dan?" he seemed to notice my nervous state and took my hand, stroking the back with his thumb. 

"W-what a- are w-w-we?" I asked. 

"Oh," he said, having probably expected worse. "Well, whatever you want to be. Am I moving to fast?" he asked, taking his hand away.

"N- no! I- I j-j- just," I stopped and took a deep breath, knowing I stuttered more when I was nervous, "wanted t-t-to k-know w-where w- we s-stand." 

"Well," he started, taking my hand. "Daniel, would you do me the honour of becoming my boyfriend?" he said with a smirk. I smiled and nodded furiously. He took my face in his hands and kissed me, first smoothly, but soon getting more passionate. Our dinner was forgotten as he stood me up and had me against the wall, my arms around his neck as his hands were on my hips. 

"Is this okay?" he asked, centimeters away from my lips.

"Y- yes, j- just, p-p-please," I practically whimpered, capturing his lips in another kiss. He slowly started grinding his hips into me more, eliciting a soft moan from me. I tried to stay quiet, embarrassed with how loud I was, but Phil said, "don't keep them in- it's hot." I let go then, moaning more when he slipped his hand under my shirt and touched the skin delicately. 

"P- please," I cried, bringing him closer. 

"Shh," he said, lifting me up so my legs were around him. I kissed his neck and jaw, and he groaned a bit, soon putting me down on the bed. He was on top of me, unbuttoning his shirt as I worked on my own. His shirt slipped off of his shoulders, and I took in his body. He chest was muscular and pale, and his arms tender and strong. 

"Y- you're s-s- so b-beautiful," I said, moaning when he put his mouth on me, creating love bites on my chest, collar, and neck. 

"F- fuck," H said as he started sliding off my pants, taking my boxers with them. He climbed off of me and did the same with his own pants. He grabbed lube from his bedside drawer, and I realized what was going to happen. 

"You okay, love?" he asked, rubbing  his hand on my side. I nodded and swallowed dryly. 

"I- I've j-just never d-done, w-w- well, a-anything," I admitted, embarrassed. 

"You've never even masturbated?" he asked, a smirk on his lips. I shook my head no. He smirked and kissed me gently. "You'll be okay- I've got you." He put the lube on his fingers and put them at my entrance. My breath hitched as he slowly slid a finger into me. I let out a sigh as pain turned to pleasure, and his fingers began to thrust. 

"You ready for another?" he asked, and I nodded quickly. He put another finger in and started thrusting and scissoring them. 

"O-oh, f- fuck!" I moaned when he hit a certain spot inside me. He kept rubbing hte spot, and I swear I could see stars. "O- oh, f- fuck, daddy!" I held a hand over my mouth as his fingers stopped moving. 

"I-- I'm s-s- sorry-" he cut me off with a passionate kiss. 

"That's so hot, baby," he  said against my lips. He started thrusting his fingers again, soon adding a third. 

"O- oh god, d-daddy, I- I'm g-g- gonna c-cum," I said breathlessly. 

"Yeah? Cum on yourself; make a mes for daddy." His talking sent me over the edge, cumming all over my stomach. "That's it, such a good boy for daddy," he said, taking his fingers out. I winced and he smiled, rubbing my sides. 

"Hey baby, so you think you can do that again for daddy? Let daddy put his cock in you and you can cum again like a good boy?" I nodded and he smiled, kissing me sweetly. "Such a good boy," he muttered as he lathered himself up. 

"You ready, baby?" he asked. I nodded and he kissed me as he slowly pushed in. 

"S-s- so b- big," I moaned as he bottomed out. 

"You're so tight for daddy. You ready for me to move?" I nodded and he started to thrust slowly, filling me up every time he thrusted in. 

"F- faster, daddy," I managed to say, moaning louder than ever as he hit my prostate. After a couple minutes he was pounding into me, hitting my prostate every time and bringing me right to the edge. 

"D- daddy, I- I'm g-g- gonna-"

"Cum with daddy, baby. Let daddy fill you up while you make a mess again." I practically screamed as I came, clenching around him and sending him over the edge. 

"Let me clean you up, baby," he whispered to me, pressing a kiss on my cheek. I nodded slowly and felt a wet cloth on m stomach. 

"You were so good, baby," Phil told me as he layed down next to me. 

"Th- thank y-you Ph- Philly," I said. " 'M s-sleepy," I said, and he came close and wrapped his arms around me, bringing me close. 

"Go to sleep, Dan." And I did, wishing I could stay in this moment forever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's what you missed if you didn't wanna read the smut- Dan and Phil are officially dating, and Dan lost his virginity and that's really it. Thanks, hope you enjoy the rest ^-^


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Phil's POV~**

Dan: Phil

Dan: Philly

Dan: Phil I miss you

Me: Dan, it's only mid-day. I've been gone for five hours. 

Dan: That's too long

Dan: Phiiiiil

Me: You know I don't have time to come home on my lunch brake

Dan: I knoooow. But I miss you. When do you get off?

Me: You know I'm working overtime to make up for missing last week. I won't be home until 8

Dan: That's too long!

Me: Dan, I'm sorry, but I need to work. There's thing called money, and it's kind of important for living. I need to pay the bills.

Me: I'm sorry, baby, that was a little too much

Dan: I'll see you when you get home

Me: I love you, baby xoxo

Dan: ...

Dan: I love you

 

I got home at 8:10 to see that Dan wasn't waiting for me on the couch like usual. I knew I messed up earlier and was a little rude, but I didn't think he'd shut me out this much. I walked down the hall to our bedroom to find the door was locked. 

"Dan? Dan, babe, are you in there?" I didn't hear an answer and started to get worried.  

Me: Dan where are you

Me: Baby I'm worried

Me: Dan please, I'm so sorry

Me: Baby can we talk about this please?

Dan: No.

Me: Please, baby

Me: At least tell me where you are

Me: I'm worried about you, tell me where you are

Dan: Home.

Me: Thank you

Me: Are you okay?

Dan: Just dandy. 

Me: I'm so sorry, Dan

Me: Please, let's talk

Dan: No

Me: Daniel, please, I fucked up and I'm an asshole. Just please, please let me explain. 

A few seconds later I heard the click of the lock unlocking, and I waited a minute before opening the door. Inside was Dan, sat on the bed with his knees to his chest and head berried inside them. It broke my heart how much I broke him. I quickly walked over to him and placed my hand on his back. 

"Dan?" 

"G-go a-away," he said, his words muffled. 

"Dan, please, I'm so sorry. It was an asshole thing to say and I didn't mean it. I'm just saying that I've got to work, no matter how much I  _really_  want to be with you." He didn't say anything and I just wrapped my arms around him, holding him close. I heard him crying and almost cried myself, mentally killing myself for how hurt he was, because of me. 

"I- I d-don't kn- know w- why, b-but-" he stopped, sniffled, and took out his phone. I curiously watched him type until he hit send, and a few seconds later my phone vibrated. 

Dan: I don't know why, but when you said it I felt so worthless and unwanted. I felt like a burden and like I'm not important to you. I think that's not true, but I just felt- sad. And lonely. 

"Dan, baby, I'm so sorry. I was just a little upset, but it's nothing about you, okay? You make me happy, and I love having you around. I'm sorry if I take my stress out on you." He nodded. 

"C- cuddles?" I smiled. 

"Of course, baby." I kissed him sweetly, having missed the feeling of his soft lips. We layed down and I pulled him close, promising to never let go. 

"Goodnight, Danny. Sleep tight." I placed a kiss on his forehead and watched him drift off. 


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Dan's POV~**

Phil wants me to come to his parents house with him for Christmas. He says his parents are kind, and he has sister, but I'm not sure. He said his parents don't know he's gay, and his sister gets into trouble, but...

Phil: Dan, have you figured out if you're coming with me?

Phil: We have to leave today, I need to know, baby

Me: Idk, Phil

Phil: I'm telling you, they'll love you. What's not to love about you?

Me: Everything

Phil: Don't think like that

Phil: Here's some tips- compliment my mum's cooking, act like you're interested in my dad's work, and stay away from my sister

Phil: If you really don't want to then you don't have to, but I'd love to bring you

Me: Okay, I'll go

Phil: Thank you baby

Phil: I love you xo

Me: I love you too

I quickly got around and started packing, which included practically everything I had at Phil's house. I grabbed all the clothes I had, as we'd be there for a week, my laptop, charger, and toiletries. I had everything ready by one p.m., and Phil wouldn't be out until seven. I sit here, waiting

and waiting...

                                              and waiting...

                                                                                                and waiting...

Now it's 1:05. I stood up and started pacing, thinking about everything that could go wrong. 

1) they find out I'm gay and kick me out

2) They find out Phil is gay and kick him out

3) They find out Phil is gay and kick him out, and then he hates me

4) I don't get along right with his parents and Phil hates me

5) I have an anxiety attack and Phil hates me

6) I don't talk enough and Phil hates me

7) I don't talk enough and Phil's parents hate me

8) We get there and I'm uncomfortable and want to leave but can't

9) I make Phil's parents uncomfortable

10) Everything goes wrong. 

Now it's three p.m. I'm waiting and waiting, for what I'm now sure anymore. I'm waiting for the sky to open up and for God to descend and tell me what the hell I'm supposed to do. I'm waiting for life to change and it just be easier. I'm waiting to wake up and this all be a dream.

Now it's five p.m. My stomach is churning like a storm and I don't know what to do. I feel dizzy and lost but I can't sit, so instead I stand and I walk and I pace and I think, because thinking is all I can do. I can't consult Phil because he's working and he has to work because work in important because money is important because I am not. Because I do not work, and I don't make money, and I don't help. I'm only trouble. 

Now it's seven, and I know Phil is out of work. He'll be home in approximately ten minutes, and my hands are sweaty and shaking and my lungs are tightening. I can hear my heart beating 

_Faster_

and then

**S l o w e r...**

and then 

_Faster_

and then 

**S l o w e r...**

And then I'm on the ground, clutching my chest as tears brim in my eyes. I hear the door open but can't bring myself to see the disappointment in his eyes as he came rushing over to me. I couldn't hear the words he said as my ear were overtaken with the drumming of my heart. 

"Dan? Dan!" I didn't want to look up but he took my chin in his hand and made me look him in the eyes. My eyes were blurry but I could see the tears forming in his eyes, asking me  _why? What went wrong?_ He took me in his arms and m heart started to beat slower... and slower... and slower... until I was breathing like him. He wiped my eyes and kissed me sweetly, and told me I was okay. 

It's eight p.m., and the taxi is going to be here in fifteen minutes. Phil doesn't believe me when I say I'm okay to go, and we don't need to wait another day to go. To prove it I take my bag, set it by the door and sit on top of it. Phi gives me a sad smile and kisses me on the forehead, and he says he loves me.  

It's 8:15, and he's holding my hand as we get into the taxi. We get to the airport, and I don't talk as we walk hand in hand to the terminal, and soon we're on the plane. Phil is begging me to talk, but I can't, I don't want to. 

I fall asleep with my head on his shoulder, the sound of his snoring waking me up until I can't sleep, so I watch birds fly by, wishing I could be as free as them.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Phil's POV~**

"Dan, please talk to me," I said. He hasn't said a word since I got home, and I have no clue what cause his panic attack. 

Dan: No

"Why not? Come on, babe, please. I need to know you're okay."

Dan: I'm okay.

"No you're not. Please, talk to me. You're going to have to say something before we get to my parents house." I gave up after that, deciding to let him have his space. I knew it wasn't necessary for us to take a plane, as my parents only live five hours away, but I knew how much Dan loved flying. So, we drove as hour away from home to hop on a plane and fly three hours to my parents house. 

An hour after I tried to talk to Dan, he texted me again.

Dan: I'm scared.

Me: Of what, baby?

Dan: Messing up while we're there. 

Me: Dan, I promise you'll be okay. And if anything goes wrong, I'll be there to help you and make it okay, yeah?

Dan: Okay...

Me: Will you talk to me now?

Dan: Maybe

Me: Don't make me tickle you

Dan: Screw off

Me: Oooh, using kind language, are we?

Dan: Fuck you

Me: I love you <3

Dan: I hate you

Me: You love me

Dan: Sadly

I leaned over and kissed his cheek, watching him blush and shake his head. I kissed him over and over until he swatted me away and told me to stop because there were people watching. 

"we are now landing in Lancashire," the pilot announced. I smiled and kissed Dan to wake him up, which of course didn't work. I resorted to repeatedly poking his side, which seemed to do justice. 

"Ph- Phil!" He complained, swatting me away. His mood seemed to change so quickly, and he seemed so much happier. I was curious how, but as long as he was happy I didn't care. 

"We're landing," I said, kissing him again. 

"Ph- Phiiiiil, st-stop," he said. I smiled and took his hand under the armrest. 

"Ph- Phil?"

"Yeah love?"

"Y- you're s-sure it'll b-be o-okay?" I smiled fondly at him.

"I swear it will. No matter what happens, I'l make sure you're okay."

"O- Okay," he said, kissing me on the cheek. We landed in Lancashire, and I took Dan's hand, leading him off the plane to get our luggage. 


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Dan's POV~**

"You ready, love?" Phil asks as the taxi rolls up to his parent's house. I nod and he smiled, kissing me on the cheek. Phil as barely out of the car before a short woman came running toward him, hugging him tightly. 

"Oh, Philip!" She cried, squeezing him tighter. 

"Mary, don't suffocate the poor boy," A taller, fatter, man said as he came walking toward her. 

"I've missed you, dear. How have you been?" The woman pushed once she was off of him. 

"Mum, it's barely been a month," Phil complained, hugging his dad quickly. 

"No matter. Oh, who's this gentleman?" His mum exclaimed, turning toward me. 

"I-"

"This is Dan," Phil thankfully interrupted. "He's my friend that I told you I was bringing." Phil smiled at me and I smiled back. 

"Oh, how are you dear?" His mum asked, hugging me quickly. 

"I-I'm g-good," I said, embarrassed and quiet because of my stutter. She gave me a curious look before smiling and turning to Phil.

"Your sister is in her room, as always. I swear, you're the only one that can get that girl out of her room," she said, waving for us to follower her to the house. We grabbed our bags and followed her in, where she led us to a bedroom.

"This is Philip's room-"

"Mum," Phil groaned. "Phil, no -ip," he said as he put his bags on the bed. 

"I'm your mother, I'll call you what I wish," she said sternly, following with a laugh. "Come with me, dear. I'll lead you to the guest room," she said, looking at me. I looked at Phil and he smiled encouragingly, mouthing at me to go. 

She led me down the stairs and through the kitchen to a small hallway, stopping in front of an open door. 

"This here is the guest room, where you will stay. The restroom is across the hall there, and the kitchen through there," she said, smiling kindly. 

"Th-thank y-you," I stuttered, walking inside. 

"Breakfast will be soon," she said, making me remember how early we'd arrived. She left me alone and I took the time to look around my room. There was a small dresser, a full bed, and a nightstand next to it. As I was looking around, I was startled by a knock on the open door. I turned to see Phil, clad in his signature skinny jean look, leaning on the door frame, a smirk on his face. 

"Hey," he said. "Not so bad, huh," he proved as he walked into the room. 

"N-no," I said, "Y-you w-were r-r-right," I said, letting him hug me and kiss me on the forehead. "Sh-shouldn't y-you n-not do that w-while th-they c-could s-s-see?"

"Hey, I'll worry about them, yeah? You worry about settling in. I'm going to get my sister for breakfast, yeah?"

"C-can I c-come?"

"Well, I guess. But she's not really someone I want you to get involved with..." he said, trailing off. 

"W-what d-do you m-mean?" I asked. 

"We'll talk about it later," he said, kissing me quickly before making me follow him out of the room.


	20. Chapter Twenty

Dan's POV~

 He took me to the end of the hall on the second floor, where his room was. He knocked on the door at the very end, only to get no response.

"Rachel, open up," Phil said semi-assertively.

"Philip?" Came a response.

"Yes, open up," he said again. A second later there was the click of a lock, and the door opened up a crack.

"Well, I'll be damned. If it isn't Mr. Philip Lester," she said with an attitude. She didn't seem like the kind of girl to have an attitude. She had long, light brown curled hair, deep green eyes, and a pretty fit body.

"Shut up," Phil said playfully. "How are you?"

"What is this, an intervention? And who's the unicorn standing behind you?" I made a face of confusion and Phil looked back at me and chuckled.

"This is Dan, he's my friend, and you're not allowed to corrupt him, so be nice," he said sternly.

"Yeah, whatever. Is there food, or did you bang on my door for no reason?"

"Mum's got breakfast," Phil said, looking at me again. "Ready?" he asked, for what I wasn't sure. I simply nodded. "Okay, well... I'll race you!" he shouted, taking off down the hall. I smiled and zipped after him, dismissing Rachel's warnings.

"Yes! I win!" Phil shouted as he slip and put his hand on the dining room table.

"N-no f-fair! Y-you g-got a h-head s-s-start!" I said as I caught up, playfully punching him on the arm.

"Woah, what's the rush, boys?" Phil's mum asks as she comes to the table with a pitcher of orange juice.

"Nothing, mum," Phil laughed as he sat down, and I sat next to him. His mum sat across from Phil while his sister sat across from me. Phil's dad came in with a stack of pancakes and sat at the end of the table by Phil.

"Okay, let's say our prayer!" Phil's mum said enthusiastically. I gave Phil a curious look, but he just shrugged and took my hand. I got nervous for a minute- why is he holding my hand? Won't his parents see? But then I saw everyone else hold hands, and realized that's how they do this. I took Rachel's hand and closed my eyes as Phil's dad did the prayer.

"And in the name of Jesus, Amen." Everyone then dropped hands and opened their eyes. Phil's hand lingered on mine for a second before he squeezed it and let go. We all got pancakes and orange juice and were silent while we ate.

"So, Dan, how old are you?" Phil's mum asked me. 

"U-um, e-eighteen," I said. 

"Oh dear, you look much older," she said. I faked a small chuckle and went back to eating. 

"How did you meet Phil?" She asked. 

"U-um, o-on a w-website," I said, not sure how Phil would want me to answer. 

"And do you live with your parents?"

"Mum, stop bombarding him with questions," Phil complained. 

"I-it's al-right," I assured him. "Um, I-I a-actually m-moved in w-with Ph-Phil..." I said, unsure if Phil would want me to share that.

"Oh, Phil didn't mention that," she said. I looked at Phil, but he just shrugged. 

"Y-yeah..." I said. 

"Dear, if you don't mind me asking, why do you stutter so much?" I froze. I didn't want to tell them. I didn't want to say I got beat up for being a fag. I didn't want to tell them anything. But thank god for Phil, because he saved me. 

"He got in an accident, and it effected a part of his brain that dealt with speech, so not he has a bit of a stutter. But it's okay, he's getting through it," Phil said, smiling at me. I smiled at him and to restrain myself from kissing him then and there. Instead I went back to my breakfast, listening to the small chatter around the table. 

I looked up a moment later to see Rachel staring at me, like she'd found out my darkest secret. Maybe she had...

"What's your deal?" Phil asked all of a sudden. I jumped a bit and turned to see him eyeing up Rachel. 

"You are, and your boyfriend over here," she said, throwing her silverware down. 

"What the hell are you on about?" Phil said defensively. 

"Language!" Phil's mum shouted. 

"You know exactly what I'm on about. You bring him over here and expect me not to notice how you look at him like he's the best thing in the world. Just admit it- you're fucking-"

"That's enough!" Phil's mum shouted, standing form her seat. "Rachel, go to your room. Phil, to yours. We'll talk." Phil looked at me with a sad but protectful look. 

"Go to your room," he whispered, touching my hand under the table. I nodded and stood, going to my room. I was scared, nonetheless, but I knew Phil. I knew he  could handle it, and everything would be okay. He said so. 


	21. Twenty One

**Phil's POV~**

I sat on the edge of my bed, waiting for my mum to come into my room. I wasn't sure what was coming; she could throw me out, or accept me. My mum's a strong Christian woman, so that lessens the possibility of her accepting me. 

I heard a knock on the door, and despite how tough I acted, my heart beat quickened. I was more scared for Dan, and what they might think of him or how he'll feel. 

"Philip?" My mum said as she slowly entered my room. 

"Yes, mum?" I asked, feeling sixteen again. She sat down on my desk chair across from me, folding her hands in her lap like she was praying. 

"Philip, what Rachel said..." she trailed off, like she was praying it wasn't true.

"Yes?" I pried. 

"Is it true, Philip? Are you..." It was like she was so disgusted by the word that she couldn't even say it. I debated whether to tell the truth. If I did, there was a strong possibility that she would disown me and throw me out. But if I didn't I was lying to her and myself. And I couldn't do that. 

"Yes. I'm gay," I said firmly and confidently. She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. It was a couple minutes before she spoke. 

"I expect to see you leave tomorrow," she said simply, waiting a moment before standing and leaving. I took a deep breath. It was simpler than I thought it would be. 

I felt my phone vibrate and saw it was Dan texting. 

Dan: Hey

Me: Hey

Dan: Is it over?

Me: Yeah

Dan: What did she say?

Me: We'll talk about that later

Me: How are you?

Dan: Nervous 

Dan: Scared

Me: Don't be, love. I'll come talk to you in a little bit, okay? 

Dan: Okay

Me: I love you

Dan: Love you more

Me: XOXO

Dan: You spork

Me: You love me

Dan: To the sun and back

Me: I thought it was the moon and back?

Dan: That's not enough for the love I fee for you

Me: You're too good for me <3

Dan: Love you

Me: Love you too


	22. Twenty-Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm starting this out by saying how truly and incredibly sorry I am for not uploading in almost a month. More stuff at the end, but until then, enjoy :)

**Dan's POV~**

I sat in the guest room, anxious as ever. I have no idea what happened with Phil and his mum, if she accepted him or not, or if he even told her. He said we'd talk later, but I don't want to wait until later, I want to talk now. 

I was taken out of my thoughts by a knock at the door. I waited a moment before answering. 

"C-come in," I said, fidgeting on the bed a bit. The door opened and I saw Rachel, Phil's sister. 

"O-oh, h-hi," I said, trying to be casually. 

"What's up with you and my brother?" She asked sassily, crossing her arms and leaning on the closed door. 

"W-what?"

"Don't play dumb with me. What's up with you guys?" I wasn't sure what she was asking, so I didn't answer.

"Come on, he's a bad ass and you're- whatever the fuck you are. What's with the girly pastel clothes? Are you trans?"

"W-what? N-no..." I was confused. Phil only looks like a bad ass, but he's nice- right? 

"Hm, you look like it. Anyway," she started, coming to sit on the bed. "I know my brother doesn't want me talking to you, so I'm gonna make this quick. I run a business here- my brother hates it, but hey, gotta make a living- and I get a lot of people like you to buy. This stuff'll make you feel real good, and-"

"W-wait, a-are y-you t-trying to s-sell me d-drugs?" I asked, confused and astonished. 

"Well, to put it simply, yes," she said bluntly. 

"I-I d-don't do d-drugs," I said.

"You don't have to. But, you could start. You know my brother, and since he was involved, I can give you slight discount, but not much. I've got lots of good stuff. I can give you a sample it you want," she said, going to take something out of her pocket. 

"N-No, I-"

"Listen I have a job to do. Take this sample and come back to me when you want the real deal," she said, trying to hand me a tiny baggy. 

"N-no, r-really, I-"

"You're really tough aren't you," she said standing up and walking towards the door. "Listen take this, I swear it'll all the edge off," she said, putting the baggy on the dresser and leaving, closing the door behind her. 

I sighed and fell back, covering my face with my hands. I felt like crying, and I wasn't sure why. 

Me: Philly?

Phil: Yeah baby?

Me: Can you come here?

Phil:Of course love, I'll be there in a sec <3

I wiped away the tears that threatened to fall and waited anxiously for Phil. Not too much longer did I hear a knock and, without me answering, the door open. 

"Dan?" Phil said, closing the door and standing by the door. I was still lying down, not really wanting to get up, but I did anyway. 

"H-hi," I said, sniffling a little bit. It wasn't until I looked right at him that I noticed why his voice was questioning when he'd come in. He was holding the small bag of drugs that Rachel had given me. "Ph-Phil-"

"What is this, Dan?" he asked, sounding upset. 

"N-no, y-your s-sister c-came in a-and t-tried to give m-me s-some, a-and I s-said n-no, but sh-she w-wouldn't s-st-op and sh-she left th-that," I said quickly- as quickly as I could with my stutter. He sighed and put it down. 

"If it was anyone else I wouldn't have believed you, but I know my sister," he said, sitting down next to me. 

"Sh-she s-said s-something..." I trailed off, not knowing if I really wanted to bring it up. 

"What, love?"

"Sh-she s-said y-you used t-to be i- involved? W-with w-what sh-she d-did..." 

"Oh..." He was silent for a minuted, and it only made my worries grow. "I- When I was sixteen, she was eighteen. I call her my baby sister because she's mentally younger and less mature than me, but she's really older. She started getting into drugs at seventeen, but she started selling at eighteen. I found some in her room and, having been the innocent kid I was then, I asked her what it was. She just grinned and had me try it- it was marijuana. I felt so high and, well, fucking great. Since she sold and I'm her brother, she was able to sell me some for pretty cheap- as cheap as drugs could be. I started doing at sixteen until I was eighteen. Then I got admitted to the hospital because of what all the drugs did to my body. My parents still don't know about it, since I was eighteen and didn't need to have my parents there so sign me out or anything. But my sister knew. She's never forgiven herself, and that's why she really only listens and talks to me. She still gets high all the time and sells, but not as much as she used to. And of course my parents don't know anything about it, but, yeah. I've obviously stopped, but it took me until twenty to fully quit. I demoted from hard drugs to cigarettes for quite a while, but I finally got off of that too." He let out a long sigh when he was done, and turned a bit to look at me. 

I was shocked- he did drugs? I know it was a long time ago, but- what? 

"W-why d-didn't you t-tell m-me?"

"It's not really something I'm proud of, babe," he said, chuckling slightly. I just nodded and hung my head. 

"Listen, I promise I was going to tell you, I just didn't plan on telling you so soon. It's really not something I like to think about," he said, rubbing my back smoothly- that bastard, he knows it a way to get me to calm down. I just nodded and layed my head on his shoulder, letting him rub my back peacefully. But my peaceful state ended when another thought popped into my head-

"W-what d-did your m-mum s-say?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Ohmygod I have missed you so so sooo much. How have you been? Is school going okay? Has anything exciting happened? I have not been able to stop thinking about you guys and what might be going on with you. I want to say I am so so so so soooo incredibly sorry for the extremely late update. My excuses are that school and marching band have been weighing me down, as well as my emotional state hasn't been good like at all, and I do not have much access to my laptop anymore to update sooner. But I don't see any of that as a real excuse why I haven't checked on you guys in so long, so I hope you can forgive me and know that I'm trying my best. I love you guys so so much and it kills me to not be able to talk to you guys like very second and see how you're doing. 
> 
> I really don't have much to say, other than I really hope you're doing well. And if not- that's okay. It's always okay to not be okay sometimes, it happens even to the best of us, Your best day can turn into your worst and vise versa and that is so okay, because things aren't perfect. You're going to have days where you want to rip out your hair and tear up every sheet of paper in the world and scream so black holes consume your vocals, and that's okay. I feel that a lot and I forget myself that it's okay to feel that way. And then the next day or hour I wonder why I ever felt so bad in the first place. Emotions are the worst thing ever- like ever. Worse than birth and cramps and people and love and everything combined. They're confusing and disastrous and scary sometimes, and it's okay to think that about them, because it's true, and I feel it too. You're not alone in this, ever. Whether it's that deadly feeling or that euphoric aftershock, you're never the only one feeling it. We all do at some point, and we never know what to do to get out of it. All I can say to help is deep breaths, and separate yourself from anything and everything that are going to make it worse, even if that's homework or an essay or even school You are what's important- everything else can wait. So just remember that, okay? And remember that it's okay, to feel and not to feel and to feel everything you don't want to. Because things get better, even just for a little bit- and that little bit can be so so worth it, I promise. 
> 
> I just want to say I'm really sorry again for waiting years to upload again. I'm going to upload a few more chapters without any notes and then hopefully this weekend get back on track, so thank you for being patient, I appreciate it :) and feel free to at any time just leave a comment shouting at me for not uploading, because I deserve it and it motivates me to get back to you guys.   
> Anywho, thank you so so much, as always none of this is possible without you lovely lovely people, and you're all the absolute best part of my life, and I need to thank you for that. I love you guys so much, and I wish I could just hug and hang out with all of you *virtual hug* take care of yourself, take a deep breath in--- out--- and I promise, everything is going to be okay. And until next time, goodbye! ^-^


	23. Twenty-Three

**Phil's POV~**

Dan's eyes looked so innocent and hopeful when he asked me what my mum said. I didn't want to tell him what happened, but I had to. 

"Well, I told her Rachel was right, and I'm gay. She was quite for a while, but then she said we have to be out tomorrow," I explained, Dan's face feel and he looked away. 

"Hey, listen, it's okay," I said. "If she doesn't want us here then we won't stay. I don't to be around my parents when they don't accept me. I've gotta book us some train tickets and we'll be gone in the morning." Dan nodded and I pulled him closer to me. "How about I get us some lunch and we can eat in here?" I asked, trying to make him feel better. 

"I- I'm n-not r-really h-hungry..." he said, sounding a bit like he was going to fall asleep. I smiled and pulled him close, letting him lay with his head on my shoulder.  He softly fell sleep, and I kissed his forehead, hoping he would wake up happier than he was now. 

 

I felt Dan begin to rustle next to me about two hours.

"Morning sleepy head," I chuckled. 

"Hnng," he groaned, curling more into my side. 

"Hey, you've got to get up or you won't sleep tonight," I said, pushing him away a bit. 

"I d-don't w-want to g-get up," he complained, holding a pillow over his face. I sighed and quietly got off the bed, unnoticed by Dan. I tiptoed out of the room and closed the door so it was only left open a crack. After a minute I heard Dan. 

"Ph-Phil? Phil, w-where a-are y-you?" He said. It wasn't until a moment later when he sounded like he might cry that I walked back in. 

"Ph-Phil! Y-you a-asshole! I- I th-though you l-left-"

"Hey," I said, crawling back on the bed to hug him. "I'll never leave you. Never ever  _ever_ , you hear me? I just wanted to get you out of bed, it was just a little joke." I smiled and kissed him on the cheek. 

"Y-you b-better not. W-what t-time is it?" I was proud of Dan, as he was getting better at accepting his stutter. It still took him a little while to say thing, but I love him. 

 "It's three in the afternoon, love," I said, my lips against his neck. 

"Ph-Phil, s-s-stop," he said, swatting me away. I laughed and got off the bed, making him frown. 

"I'm going to go get us some food, yeah?" He nodded and I smiled, heading to kitchen. I was working on getting some sandwiches, pretzels, and cookies- I felt like I was making lunch for kids, but it was nice- when my father walked into the room. 

"I thought you were leaving," he grumbled hastily. 

"I am, tomorrow," I stated simply. 

"You know, you've got a lot of nerve to come in here and flaunt yourself like the flamboyant fag you are," he said, slamming the glass he had down on the counter. 

"Yeah? When did I do that, huh? Because I'm pretty sure I didn't do shit," I counteracted, abandoning the food. 

"Don't use that language in my house if you know what's good for you," he said, pointing a finger. 

"What, language like fag? Because I'm pretty sure that's worse than the shit I say-" and then his hand was across my face. As I was still dealing with the shock of my own father slapping me, he stopped his foot down hard on mine, making me wince, and got close to my face. 

"I want you out of my goddamn house as soon as possible, and I don't want to ever see your sinful ass here again," he grumble, taking his foot off of mine. 

"Agreed," I mumbled, taking the food to Dan's room. When I opened his door, he was sat on the bed, holding a pillow close, eyes wide eyed and tear filled. It was then that I realized his room was right next to the kitchen, and the walls were very thin. 

"Shit, baby, did you hear that?" I asked, setting the food down and walking over to him. He nodded and I sat down and held him close. 

"Listen, it's okay. We're leaving to go home tomorrow, and everything is gonna be okay. We can stay here in your room the entire time, and it'll feel like nothing's wrong, yeah?" I said, trying to make him feel better. He nodded, giving me a small smile before pressing a gentle and shy kiss to my lips. I smiled when he pulled away a second later, reconnecting out lips again. 

"I- I l-love you," he said, hugging me. 

"To the sun and back," I responded. 


	24. Twenty-Four

**Dan's POV~**

Me and Phil are leaving in the morning. I wish we'd never even came here, but at least it wasn't for long. Phil took all his things and brought them in my room so we could stay here the rest of the time. 

"How ya doing, love?" Phil asked after another Disney I forced him to watch.

" 'm o-okay," I said, cuddling up to his side. He kissed my forehead.

"Ph-Phil?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yeah?"

"C-can you t-tell  me m-more a-about yo-u're ch-childhood?" 

"Oh. Well, I grew up going to church with my parents. When I was fifteen I realized I was gay, and stopped going to church. My mom didn't like it, but she said it was just a phase and ignored it. I moved out at eighteen, jumping form job to job, but keeping pretty stable," he explained.

"Th-that w-wasn't as e-exc-iting as I-I h-hoped for," I told him with a bit of laugh. 

"Well, I left out the exciting part, but you already heard that." I remembered the drugs and nodded, staying quiet. 

"Hey, that part's behind me, okay? There's nothing to worry about," he assured. I nodded, but I still had another question. 

"W-what's i-it l-like?"

"What, drugs?" I nodded hesitantly. "Um, well, I don't want to glorify it. It was great at the moment, but in the long run, it was really awful. When I did it, I felt high off life, and like I was on top of the world. It felt good, like all my problems were just taken away. But in the long run, I failed drug tests for jobs, and I really messed up everything I tried to do," he explained, seeming to look back on everything with disappointment. I hugged him tight.

"Y-you s-said th-at was a-all b-behind y-you. D-don't w-worry about i-it," I said, trying to reassure him. He smiled and kissed me. 

"Thanks, love. Hey, what time is it?" I turned to check the time on my phone. 

"U-um, o-only e-eleven thirty," I said, sighing. 

"What do you want to do," he said with a smirk. 

"I-I d-don't kn-know. St-stop st-stuttering, maybe?" I said, only being slightly sarcastic.

"Baby, you know there's a good chance you could be stuck with it forever. There's no saying when you'll get over it, if at all," he said with a caring voice.

"I-I know, I-I j-just h-hate it s-so m-much," I complained, knowing I sounded like a baby. 

"Hey, how about we try, okay? I'm not saying it'll work, but it's worth a shot," he said, sitting up and crossing his legs. 

"O-okay," I said, doing the same.

"Okay, we'll start simple. Say your name."

"Y-your n-name," I said cheekily. 

"Fuck you. Do want to do thins ro not."

"S-sorry, I-I d-do," I said, giving him an apologetic look. He smiled and let out a little laugh. 

"Okay, say your name."

"D-Dan," I said, becoming more disappointed with my stutter. 

"That's okay, it's okay. It'll take practice. Try again."

"D-Dan. D-D-Dan. D-Dan. F-fuck!" I cried, becoming even more disappointed. 

"Hey, hey, it's okay. I told you it'll take time and practice. How about we try even easier. Try saying hi."

"H-hi. H-hi. H-i."  _Okay, deep breath..._  "Hi. I-I d--di it! I- I d-did i-it!" I said with excitement. 

"Yes! That was so good!" Phil said, hugging me tightly. "We're gonna get you through this, together," he said promisingly, and I've never felt more hope than in this moment. 


	25. I'm sorry...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have been gone for months without any kind of note or update, so this is my explanation and apology

Hey guys- I firstly just want to apologise for being gone for... months, I'm not sure how many. I think the last time I got on here was in December, and it's March. I have still been checking my inbox because you guys still mean the world to me, but with little motivation to get out of bed anymore, it's been hard to bring myself back here. Every time I thought about it I just felt incredibly bad for being gone so long and didn't know what to say. So i figured now I would just push myself to come back and tell you guys how terribly I've missed you. And I really really hope you guys are doing alright- how are you? Has anything exciting happened? And how was your Christmas, if you celebrate it? I hope you lovely people are doing absolutely amazing, and I hope to hear from you guys more. Don't forget my social media stuff is in my bio thingy and I go on those more often than here, so I will always get your message and respond sooner than I do here. So please come talk to me :) I absolutely love hearing from you guys and knowing how you're doing, even if it's not good- I am always here for you guys, always here to help however I can. And on Instagram you can message me, but I also have people message me all the time to write poems and such for them about whatever (within reason), and I absolutely love it, it makes me happy to do things for people.

So, being gone for so long, I feel like I should have a bit of a life update (?) So my therapy has been... uneventful, really. I got antidepressants but they really don't do anything and my therapist is really insensitive and doesn't seem to care or understand anything I'm even saying, so I'm hoping to get a new one. My boyfriend is as wonderful and adorable as ever, and I pretty much spend every second I can with him. He always makes me feel better just by being there and I love talking about him, so expect a lot about him ^-^ He's the sweetest little boy and (promo) his instagram is @xxdannyvargas and you can see how adorable he is- I do monitor his account because he gets a lot of messages from pervs and assholes so if one of you guys does that (which I would never imagine, but I'm protective of him) you'll hear from me :) He's too precious, I love him so much and that's basically what's been going on. 

I also didn't even have power, water, heat, or really a house for nearly two weeks (my basement flooded and... yeah that was fun) we just got it back yesterday so yeah, perfect time to come back. Nothing else has really been going on, so I just want to hear about you guys- How are you?? I've really missed you guys and I really hope you're doing well. You guys are all amazing and the sweetest people I've ever met, I love hearing from you. So just tell me how you've been the last couple months, tell me how things are going, because I love hearing about it. And if you're kind of new here or haven't really commented or introduced yourself, tell me about yourself! You can tell me your age or gender or where you're from, literally anything- you can tell me as much or as little as you want, I love hearing anything about you guys, mostly where you're all from, it's really cool to meat people from different states and countries. 

 

We interrupt your scheduled update for the lesson of today- self-worth. I know nearly everyone, including myself, struggles with things like this. Thinking someone is worse off than you so you don't deserve as much attention or love as them, thinking that just because their situation may be worse that you aren't as important. But let me tell you with one hundred percent honesty- that is not true. No matter what you are going through, that should not be compared to someone elses situation, whether it is remotely similar or completely different. For example- if you self harm and it's only a little, barely at all- do not compare that to someone who does it terribly- it is in no way fair. We all go through different things and experience them differently. If your parents divorce, you may not have a problem with it and it may not effect you. But if it happens to someone else, it might be tragically devastating- it all depends on the tiniest details and how everyone's brain functions and processes things differently. That means you can never hold yourself accountable for how you react to something, whether it be jealousy or getting upset, anything. You cannot help it. Yes we can all condition ourselves to be stronger and there's psychological stuff like that, but we are born the way we are and we can't change that. We are born with a different range of sensitivity and born to understand and handle things in different ways. And yes, some people are just born assholes. And some people (like you guys) are just born being the sweetest and most caring people ever. But the way we handle situations and the things we go through can change things like that. And event and how we handle that can change things about ourselves if we let it. That means the asshole can turn into a sweet person and a sweet person can turn into an asshole, all depending on how they let life shape them. 

But non of this should be compared to anyone else. You shouldn't belittle yourself because you're more or less sensitive than someone else- it doesn't make you any less important or significant. Even if you have no emotion or feelings at all, so what? People are born the way they are and we can't change that- all we can do is embrace it and accept it. Don't think that the way you feel things or how you handle things makes you a burden- you aren't. You could never be a burden for the way you feel things, ever. And none of you will ever be a burden to me. Sure I might not be able to respond right away because I'm busy with something, but that doesn't mean you're a burden. I will always have time for you guys and always want to here from you, no matter what. And I want you guys to remember that, that you can always come to me for literally anything, even if you just need a distraction- because I have lots of cat pictures that'll make anyone feel better. 

 

I guess that's really all I have right now- I really hope you guys are doing well and I hear from you. Please remember how much I love you guys and that I will always be here for all of you. I love you guys so much, and don't forget- deep breaths, happy thoughts, and everything will be okay- I promise :) Thank you so so much and I hope you can forgive me, and until next time! ^-^


End file.
